It has been a rough few weeks. I am drained emotionally and physically. It took me a while to finally sit down, and write this. I can't even remember what I was doing when I decided to take a moment and scroll on Facebook, but I will never forget the moment I felt my heart stop. I found the video of Gorge Floyd being murdered. Yes.. I said murdered. As I watched the video and heard him screaming out that he couldn't breathe and then screaming for his Mom, my heart and lungs literally felt like I was in pain and about to pass out. I broke down in tears and couldn't stop. I couldn't stop hurting. I couldn't stop crying. I saw my boys in that mans face, and I heard their voices screaming for me. I don't think I'm the only one that feels this way.
I am not okay. I am still not okay. I am afraid to let them out of my sight. I am especially afraid for my 21 year old who has to go back to school in the next few months. How can I protect him? How can I make sure that something like this never happens to him? I am at a loss. How can my 13 year old innocent child be considered a threat to people? I didn't allow him to play with toy guns, or even a water gun as a child. Sadly, I had to make sure that it wouldn't be mistaken as a real gun, and he ends up being killed for it. It is sad that in this day and age, we have to raise our black children in fear. They don't understand the fear, until they get older and observe how the world is for themselves. This world is not welcoming to my black boys. This world is not safe for my black boys. My heart bleeds. I don't think I will ever be okay. Mom's with black boys, tell me what it is like for you. Are you feeling the fear like me?